Marauderificality
by the real RAB
Summary: The raving lunatics known as ChocoTaco and the real RAB have joined forces to bring you this, a series of Marauder vignettes rife with randomness, hilarity, and overall madness!
1. The Prologue That Wouldn't Die

_We should have a little conversation to post at the beginning in the author note_.

**Oooh, I'm good at conversations:puts on glasses:**

_Hi, this is Kaci, aka ChocoTaco._

**Do I talk now?**

_Yes, genius._

**Hi, this is Rachel, aka the real RAB.**

_Very good, you get a cookie._

**:eats your cookie:gags to death:**

_Oops. Peanut butter. Forgot. Sorry._

**Nice job, stupid.**

_I love you too. Anyway, this is beside the point. The point is... the top of Rachel's head, haha._

**Hey!**

_Don't hurt me!_

**My head's not pointy!**

_Or is it? Besides, how would you know? You can't see the top of your head!_

**Okay, well that's true but... ITS NOT POINTY!**

_Fine then. Anyway, the real point is, we're writing a series of vignettes together._

**Because we rock like that.**

_Oh yeah! Look at us and our baaad selves! WORD!_

**To your mother!**

_Vanilla Ice!_

**Yo!**

_Haha._

**Now back to the baaad comment...MERRY HAD A LITTLE LAMB! **

_Please pardon Rachel. She has suffered severe trauma to the head, thanks to yours truly._

**It's really all your fault I'm this way, dear old Crackerface.**

_You know, I've forgotten where that nickname came from._

**I forced you to get me crackers...countless times. Like you and your pasta.**

_Oh yeah! Pasta eating freak... anyway…_

**There really is a point to this, I swear.**

_We're way off subject here... We have short attention spans. Forgive us. _

**Donkey:dances to Shrek soundtrack:**

_Anyway... about these vignettes... they have no continuity. None whatsoever._

**Kinda like our lives… or Kaci's face.**

_Hey:SCHMACKED:_

**Hahaha! I would continue but something tells me somewhere someone's about to throw a shoe at me.**

_Okay, anyway, we'll be taking turns writing chapters._

**Yes, taking turns.**

_This first chapter is by our lovely Rachel. :gestures emphatically at Rachel:_

:**grins: I don't normally write...**

_And it's her first fic of any kind ever, so be kind to her or I shall not hesitate to strangle you with the queer ID lanyards we are forced to wear to school every day..._

**Haha...this is why I love Kaci.**

_Any and all flames will be used in the chapter about s'mores. So there._

**heh...fluffy..:sniggers:**

_(flames are meanspirited reviews, Rachel)_

**I know that!**

_Okay! Just checking!_

**I'm not completely stupid!**

_That's debatable._

**If you say that's debatable – man, too late.**

_Hahaha!_

**:Schmacks you with flaming chia pet:**

_You know, we should probably wrap this up._

**Oh yeah…**

_Anything else you'd like to say Rachel?_

**Um...if your going down a dark alleyway...**

_Don't go there. Just don't._

**Cry little beh-beh!**

_There shall be no frisking today._

**:falls off chair: Back to you, Kaci.**

_On that note, I would like to state that, for all intents and purposes, these vignettes are set in the present, even though the marauders were this age in like... the late 70's._

**Ooh, good one Kaci.**

_Thank you – Hey look! A butterfly!_

**Follow the butterflies!**

_Ohh, Rachel, I think you can handle it from here. I'm off to follow the butterfly._

**Gee thanks, Kaci. Well I guess that's just about it...anything else I'm sure we'll just throw at you later on… Hey wait Kaci...don't these things usually need a disclaimer thingy?**

_Oh right._

**Disclaimer: WE OWN NOTHING! except for our retarded selves...? I don't know, you do it.**

_Pfft, they know we don't own Harry Potter_

**How can they be sure? Huh? Huh?**

_:ahem: We do not own Harry Potter or any of his predecessors. They are owned by JK Rowling. She's a nice woman, I hear she enjoys buttered toast._

**I heard she once bid on a piece of evil toast on e-bay for 300 dollars.**

_Although, I just made that up._

**Yeah me too... :sad face:**

_So, JK, if you read this and you actually do not like buttered toast, please don't repot us to the authorities._

**Though I'm sure if you ask Dom he'll tell you she's full of fish. And she meant "report" not "repot." And sorry if you don't like fish either.**

_Hahawe need no repotting, we're potted enough already._

**Hahahahaha. Snorts Crud, that didn't work right… the laughter kind, not the drug kind.**

_What kind of sick twisted individual doesn't like buttered toast?_

**It's so light and fluffy.**

_BLAST YOU JK ROWLING, YOU TOAST HATER!_

**Like a little slice of heaven…**

_Actually, I just remembered I don't like buttered toast._

**Hahahaha weren't we like finishing this – wait WHAT?**

_I'm a disgrace._

**YOU HEATHEN!**

_I hate it. It's like chewing carpet, as it was so accurately describe in OotP. Icky._

**Kaci, you are such a weirdo.**

_I'm not the one who... wait no, that was me. Anyway, I guess we should be going now, this is probably longer than the chapter._

**There's no doubt about that**

_In fact, I think it should be a chapter of it's own. It could be the prologue! _

**We should do this periodically… because everyone knows how fascinating we are...:coughsputtersputtercough:**

_Ahhhhh, I have to go be productive, mom says so._

**Okay.**

_Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Nooooooo! Not the school supplies!_

**:points and laughs:**

_Anything but the school supplies! It's a fate worse than death!_

**Get some cool evil notebooks.**

_I HAVE NO EVIL NOTEBOOKS! I feel so unloved..._

**GET SOME! I have one that says "I'm my evil twin" for my Annamae days and for writing Marauder ideas in.**

_I'm going to go now._

**Right. Toodles!**

_:gets up:starts to walk away:trips over ottoman:goes sprawling on floor:_

**Haha!**

_:gets back up:sighs resignedly:leaves:_

**Tata now:runs screaming into room:whacks you:says BOTHER:runs back home and puts up an away message:**


	2. Sirius is Thwarted by Technology

**Hi. Read this.**

_:waits patiently for more:_

**Um... that's all.**

_That's it? That can't be it! It's an author note! Come on, what do you want to tell the masses?_

**I'm new to this! And besides, like these so-called masses actually read the author notes.**

_Fine then._

**What are you doing here anyway? This is my chapter!**

_I'm your Beta, therefore I get special priviledges._

**You spelled privileges wrong. Some Beta.**

_Hey, at least I fixed your horrible punctuation and capitalization issues!_

**Pfft. Be gone, foolish mortal!**

_:sniffle: I feel unloved..._

**Cry little beh-beh!**

_Bite me._

* * *

"Okay all I hafta do is get one of those screenname thingies Prongsie is always going on about," Sirius thought to himself while sneaking into James bedroom and turning on his computer.

"Erm… now what?" Sirius wondered after clicking through a million Windows startup popups, "It was something like click or hit or AIM! Wha… aha! That's the one!"

After finally finding what he was looking for, Sirius started to think long and hard (very unusual for him) about what the perfect screenname would be. Finally he suddenly burst into a grin having found a stroke of creative genius.

"Padfoot," he breathed, typing it in and feeling very pleased with himself.

"What do you mean Padfoot is TAKEN! Who would take the name Padfoot, I'm the only bloody Padfoot! What is wrong with you, you stupid….NO I don't want P2dft031875! That doesn't even remotely resemble Padfoot!"

Unfortunately Sirius forgot that he was supposed to be 'quiet' as so to not arouse anyone to his plan. Now he swore he heard footsteps on the stairs and was forced to duck under James bed. After he was sure the intruder had given up and left, Sirius came out with a three-month-old sandwich on his head, the world's dirtiest sock on his shoulder, a picture of Lily attached to his shoe, and something incredibly sticky seeping through his shirt.

Sirius took a bite of the sandwich and went back to work.

"Password?" Sirius grinned, "Well that's easy SiriusBlackIsTheHottestGuyToEverGraceTheWorldWith---TOO LONG!

"But that's my password for everything else," Sirius whined. "How am I supposed to remember anything different?"

After finally settling on just plain SiriusIsHott, Sirius proceeded to fill out the rest of the screen with random answers.

He was actually doing just fine till he got to the bottom of the page where he saw, "Please verify that you are a human."

"Oh no…" Sirius proclaimed wide-eyed. "This won't end well."

"How am I supposed to read this stupid thing? There's lines running all over the letters and - oh God, is that a four or a nine? I'm so confused…" Sirius complained.

Finally after thinking he had gotten everything right, Sirius clicked **ENTER**. What came next woke the entire house.

"I AM A BLOODY HUMAN! You stupid, stupid comfoofter!" Sirius screamed grabbing the closest thing and beating the computer severely with it.

Unfortunately, the closest thing to the computer was a stuffed Carebear with a voicebox that immediately started to talk due to the brutal pounding it was receiving.

"ETERNAL-It's such a sunshiney day!-DAMNATION-Full of rainbows and butterflies!-ON YOUR-Show me that smile!-SOUL!"

What followed next sounded a little something like this… "You're my beary best frieaaaaaddcklahrfewaburn-sputter-sputter" As the poor little Carebear's head popped off and went flying across the room.

"Bugger," Sirius said, finally calming down. "That was Peter's favorite too…"

* * *

_Yaaaay! Snaps for Rachel. Ooh, guess what! I'm writing the next chapter! The Marauders vs. a Microwave._

**Shoo! Get out of my chapter with your shameless self-promotion!**


	3. The Marauders vs A Microwave

_Okay, so here's my chapter. This wasn't intentional, but this is the second chapter that involves Sirius attacking some form of technology. We apologize. _

**Yes indeed we do, we just cant help Sirius being so undeniably Siriusy!**

_Ooh, hey Rachel, did you see our flame?_

**Ah yes,I do believeI did.**

_I believe we annoy people... YESSSS! hahaha, our lunacy is too much for those of lesser intelligence._

**:grins maniacally:**

_I considered putting an end to our weird conversations... but then I was like... screw it, I'll do whatI want andI don't give a flying falafel if people hate me._

**Exactly...that's what makes us...well... us.**

_Heeheehee... and now, here is the chapter._

* * *

"What the bloody hell?" Sirius said, eyeing the microwaves in the appliance isle of Walmart. "How does this work?"

"It's obvious, isn't it? Look at the picture!" James explained knowledgably. "You tell it what you want, press the buttons, and food appears."

"Sure about that, Prongs?" said Remus, arching a skeptic eyebrow at him.

"Am I ever wrong?"

"Yes," Sirius, Remus, and Peter said together.

"I can prove it!" James said indignantly. "Just watch!" He proceeded to slide one of the boxed microwaves off of the shelf and place it on the floor. "Right then, I'll show you how you work these microphones."

"Microwaves," Remus corrected.

"Yes, that's what I said, microwhales."

James leaned over and opened the box, then lifted it out and set it on the floor. With it came a thick set of instructions that slid out of the box and felt to the ground before Remus picked it up.

"Right then, you erm… just say 'roast beef'… the you… press the buttons… and…"

"Prongs? You might want to try using this," Remus said, helpfully offering him the instruction manual.

"Psh. Instructions are for ninnies."

James ploughed on trying to persuade the microwave to provide him with food, while Remus thumbed through the manual.

"Come on you sodding thing, I know you can hear me," James mumbled, prodding the buttons viciously. People were beginning to stare. "Now give me some roast beef!"

"Erm… you have to put the food _in _the microwave," Remus told him.

"What? No, that's stupid! Why would you give the microbobbit food? It's a waste!"

"No… I think the microwave heats it or something…"

"But how, if it doesn't use magic?"

"Maybe it uses electishy," Peter said wisely.

"It's _electricity_," Remus said irritably.

"Same difference."

"Look," Remus said, turning the book around and showing James a diagram. "It says you're supposed to plug it into the electrical socket. Do you see a cord?"

"You mean this?" James asked, holding up the electrical cord. "Looks more like an instrument of torture. Why must Muggles complicate everything? Honestly, first Tickle-Me-Elmo, now this!"

"Really!" Sirius agreed. "Regular Elmo was alright, maybe even kind of cute, but then they had to go and make him ticklish and give him a voicebox. It ruins the whole thing. And don't even get me started on Hokey-Pokey-Elmo…"

"Oh God, stop it!" Peter said, clapping his hands over his ears. "You know how I feel about that fuzzy little demon!"

"I still can't believe you're frightened of Elmo…" Sirius said while Peter glowered at him.

"Well, where do we plug it in?" James interrupted, tilting the microwave up and examining its underside.

"Oh, there's a socket over there," Remus said, pointing at a nearby electrical socket. They carried the microwave over there and James plugged it in slowly with his eyes tightly closed as though expecting a fiery explosion at any given moment.

"Okay…" James said once the microwave was plugged in. "Now what?"

"We need some food to heat up…" Remus told them.

"Oh, I'll get it!" Peter said, ducking into the nearby freezer section and returning quickly with a package of hotdogs he had been eyeing a few moments earlier.

"Alright…" Remus said, looking cautiously around him before running his wand down the side of the package and slitting it open. "Put it in."

James took a hotdog from the package and placed it gingerly on the microwave plate and closed the door. He sat there, staring anxiously at the microwave for a few moments.

"Nothings happening."

"Well… obviously… you have to push the buttons…" Remus began, his brow furrowed as he continued to peruse the manual. "Oh… what the…" he turned it upside down, squinting at it. "This is hopeless! It's all in Spanish!"

"OY! You!" Sirius suddenly yelled. They turned to see a very confused looking old woman looking at them. "Yes, you, come over here."

"Padfoot, don't…" Remus cautioned.

"What? I'm exercising Muggle/Wizard relations!" Sirius countered as the old lady walked away from them cautiously, looking like she was very much expecting to get mugged.

"No! We're not going to hurt you!" James called after her. "We just need some help!"

"Bugger this," Sirius grumbled, pointing his wand at her retreating back, "_Accio Old Lady!"_

"_Sirius!_" Remus scolded, but it was too late, the old woman was drifting back over to them. Sirius hastily put his wand away.

"_Can – you – tell – us – how – to – work – this – thing?" _Sirius said very slowly and loudly as if the woman was foreign, deaf, and slow.

"W-what?"

"Sirius, she speaks English!" Remus said. "Sorry, we don't mean you any harm, we were just hoping you could tell us how to operate this microwave."

"Erm… you just press the buttons for the amount of time you want to cook it and hit start…" the old woman said timidly.

"Ah, thank you," Sirius said, moving towards her. The old woman shrieked, whacked Sirius upside the head with her purse, and waddled away.

"That went well," Remus said dryly as Sirius rubbed his head. "Alright… so you… push the buttons…" Remus set it for two minutes. "And hit… start…"

He hit the start button and it started whirring softly as the little light inside came on and the hotdog revolved on the tray.

"Ooooooooohhhh…" said Peter.

Meanwhile, Sirius was slowly cowering into a nearby aisle.

"Padfoot… what…?" James said.

"What! Don't you hear that sinister sound!"

Just then, the microwave beeped to tell them that thirty seconds had elapsed, causing Sirius to yelp and jump about a foot.

"I know you heard that!"

"Pads, it's just –"

"I'm not listening!" Sirius proclaimed, beginning to look fierce as the volume of the microwave increased a bit. Suddenly, with a loud BANG that startled everyone, the hotdog exploded. "ARGH! It's evil! What kind of horrible contraption is this that destroys perfectly good food? IT'S EVIL!"

"Padfoot!"

"EVIL I TELL YOU!"

"You're going to –"

"NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT!"

"Stop before you –"

"IT MUST BE DESTROYED!"

By now, people were really starting to stare, but Sirius didn't seem to notice, and if he did he didn't care. He charge at the microwave, his wand held high above his head.

"DIE, DIE, DIE, SPAWN OF SATAN! YOU SHALL TORMENT ME NO LONGER!"

Remus flung himself in front of his friend, and they both hit the ground hard.

"Put the wand away before a Muggle sees!" Remus warned as Sirius tried to wriggle out from under him.

"NO! IT – MUST – BE – DESTROYED!

"That's him!" the old woman was saying to two burly security guards nearby. "That's the one that tried to mug me!"

The security guards rushed over, disentangled Sirius from Remus, and began to drag him forcefully away. Luckily Remus had taken Sirius's wand, but Sirius fought tooth and nail nonetheless.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I AM SIRIUS BLACK! YOU – _OUCH! _HE PINCHED ME!HE BLOODY PINCHED ME! ABUSING THE CUSTOMERS! I'LL BE REPORTING THIS!"

"Oh God," Remus groaned. "It's like Toys R Us all over again…"

* * *

_Okay, so, inspiration has struck. Apparently my muse has a shorter attention span than even me. So, since I have to write this Harry/Luna oneshot lest I be unable to write anything else properly, I'm going to let Rachel write two chapters in a row. Have fun, Rachel!_

**Yaaaay!**


	4. S'mores Galore

**Hi. This one's short that most, but I like it. It's one of the very first thingies I wrote. **

_Ah, you have learned well, young grasshopper._

**Heheh.

* * *

**

"So... your saying that I should take this marshmallow... and stick it in that flame?" Sirius asked for the fifty-second time.

"Yes, Padfoot, in that flame," Remus answered.

"Poor poor fluffy," Sirius replied, patting his marshmallow fondly. "I barely knew him, hardly seems fair to light him on fire."

"Well you blow him out afterwards!" Remus replied indignantly. "Then you stick him -I mean, it -between the graham crackers and chocolate and eat it."

Sirius's eyes widened, "_YOU WANT ME TO EAT FLUFFY?"_

"Oh, bother," Remus responded sighing exasperatedly.

"But... this doesn't make any sense!" Peter whined while fighting a losing battle with a marshmallow skewer.

"Best things in life never do," James replied with a grin and a wink, popping an expertly crafted s'more into his awaiting mouth.

* * *

**Next one: James and Sirius have an IM conversation.**

_Holy shpoo, it took me for-bloody-ever to get that chapter Betafied._

**I love you, Kaci!**

_Who doesn't? _

**:opens mouth:**

_Don't answer that._

**:shuts mouth and looks disappointed:**


	5. What are friends for?

**Start talking, fruitcup.**

_Well that's incentive for me to talk to you._

**I thought so.**

_Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... oops, sorry, I was spinning around in my chair again._

**Nice.**

_Rachel was supposed to write this chapter, but I ended up finishing my Harry/Luna fic sooner than I thought, so I'll be writing it. (Psst! Go read it! "Right" by ChocoTaco!)_

**No shame...**

_Damn straight. __So, this idea occurred to us while we were having a random conversation and we just had to write it._

**This is one of Kaci's brilliant strokes of creativity. I'm just here to look pretty.**

_We apologize profusely for how long it took to update! We just started high school. _

**Uuuuggggh… stupid bloody Tuesday.**

_It's been... what's the word I'm looking for?_

**Evil? Terrible? An abomination?**

_Hmm… actually, I was going to go with crabolocker fishwife, but that works too. _

**Hehehehehe…**

_So, here's the chapter! Just imagine James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter are using a quill that writes everything they say. _

**

* * *

James's font**

_**Sirius's font**_

_Remus's font_

Peter's font

* * *

And now, the Marauders shall answer the age-old question:

What are friends for?

_**

* * *

1. Friends are for covering you in raspberry jam and shoving you into the lake.**_

**Oh, I remember when you did that to poor Moony, the giant squid was beside himself.**

_Herself, James, herself._

**How do you know?**

_She was quite friendly, and that's all I have to say about that._

Er… right then. Moving right along.

**2. Friends are for telling you to hold a disco karaoke dance party in the middle of the common room when you've had too much to drink.**

_**I shall never forgive you for that one.**_

I thought it was lovely – OW! Padfoot, what was that for?

_**For being a fruit.**_

_3. Friends are for coming up with a believable excuse when you've gotten your sorry arse in trouble once again._

_**Moony, we owe you so much.**_

**WE LOVE YOU MOONY!**

_Oh don't you kiss my ass. It shall get you nowhere. _

_**Awww…**_

**4. Friends are for transfiguring moose antlers onto your head without knowing how to remove them.**

_**Oh, that was fun, wasn't it Wormtail?**_

Depends on your definition of fun. If by fun you mean not being able to fit through doorways because of the abnormal growths on your noggin and having you lot hang you wet laundry from my head, then yes.

5. Friends are for helping you make an arse of yourself.

**Quite literally, he means.**

_**Oh, whose idea was it to transfigure Prongsy's face to look like a bum?**_

**Mine. But we were going to do it on Snivellus, remember? But then you turned my own genius against me…**

_Oh, quit pretending to cry, Prongs. You were the one who suggested we try it on someone else to practice first!_

**_Yeah, Jimmy, it didn't look like much of a difference anyway_ – OW!**

Oh my…

_Erm... due to some…technical difficulties… _

_**ARRRRRGH!**_

**The technical – OUCH – difficulties being that I'm beating Padsy here – URGH – severely about the head and neck.**

_**GET OFF! GET OFF, OR I'LL –**_

**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

_Holy hobbits..._

**Oh no, not the chair! Don't you – BOLLOCKS!**

**_OH YEAH! SCHMACKED! TAKE THAT, FANCYPANTS!_**

**Fancypants?**

_**Yes, Fancypants! Got a problem with that?**_

**As a matter of fact, I do! My pants are not fancy!**

_**Sure they are, Jimbo! You've got the fanciest pants this side of… er… some landmark!**_

_Very eloquent._

_**Thank you.**_

_Now, if you two are done, may we continue?_

**Sure, why not. What number were we on? Seventeen?**

_Six._

**Oh. Close enough**

**6. Friends are for telling Lily nice things about you.**

_What? We never do that!_

**Well, I think you should start. Right now.**

I tried that once, but you hexed me!

**That was because you told her that I enjoyed piña coladas and getting caught in the rain!**

But… but it worked in that Muggle song!

_**I thought it was suave.**_

_Well, your opinions of suave are nothing to go by. Hey! No rude hand gestures are necessary._

_7. Friends are for mooching off of your homework._

**Again I say, WE LOVE YOU MOONY!**

_**Well, we let you mooch off of our gold, so I think it's fair.**_

_Hmph._

_**Awwww, poor ickle pouting Wolfie!**_

_Cram it._

_**Psh. Bite me.**_

_You might regret that._

**_8. Friends are for… oh, what the hell, I'm bored! Let's go DO SOMETHING!_**

_Oh no, he's got that evil glint in his eye…_

_**I know not of what you speak!**_

_Oh, there he goes again, bouncing out of the room, we'd better stop him before he lights Snape on fire like last time…

* * *

_

That's all! Go home!


	6. Sirius and James Write a 'Papper'

**Okay, let's do this.**

_First thing's first, I'd like to credit everything and everyone that went into the making of this chapter: two Beatles songs, two Veggietales songs, one Weird Al song, a pointless biology assignment, the Blue Extreme (our flag team) and flag camp, and of course... the two guys who got this whole thing started... should we mention them by name, Rachel?_

**Why not? They're so darn cute!**

_Haha… Smitty and Newman, thank you!_

**The bestest boys in the senior class, ladies and gentlemen!**

_Smitty is the drum major in our marching band, and Newman is a section leader, and they wrote this random spoof essay that inspired this whole thing. We included a couple parts of it…_

**Indeed!**

_Haha. Nice pole, boys. :snort:_

**I mean… uh… nice stick… wait… NICE HOE! dangit!**

_Nice... tool? No, that makes it even worse_

**Oh gosh :giggle fit:**

_Urgh. Allow me to explain… today in seventh hour they were carrying around some sort of weird... er... gardening utensil? Mainly just a long pole with some sort of pointy metal thing on the end. (Which, of course, caused a lot of unintentional pole/stick/hoe/tool jokes.)_

**And they were using it as a cattle prod. It was weird, but so totally them.**

_And this, kind readers, is why we love them._

**Oh so much.**

_Okay, so seriously...haha… serious. Hehe, anyway… seriously, here's the chapter! _

* * *

For history of magic, Sirius Black and James Potter have been assigned the task of writing a papper about a historical figure in the Wizarding World who has inspired their lives. Well, they think about this question. They sit pondering for a very long time. They think and they think, which is not something they normally do. Sirius thinks harder than he has ever thought before, straining until his brains almost burst out of his nose. James looks around the room, searching for inspiration. Something that requires this much thinking has got to be important. He asks Sirius for ideas, but Sirius merely mutters, "Crabalocker fishwife," and falls out of his chair. The stress is getting to him.

And, as he lies on the floor, an idea occurs to him. This stroke of genius could only mean one thing. This thing haunts the minds of professors, researchers, and scientists the world around. Only he stores the knowledge of those things in his head. It sits in his head like a canary on a willow branch. The canary calls to itself, "Self, I am a canary. I shall spread my butter of wings across the bread of the sky." This butter that the canary speaks of quenches the thirst of all who eat it. All who eat of the butter shall travel away on the hilltops of time to feast in the kitchen of eternity. In this kitchen they will open the ironclad chest of humanity and look down in it and say, "Hey look! I see fresh bacon!"

But that is beside the point. The point is, our dear Sirius has just had an epiphany. He knows who to write about. For he has heard tell of a little-known witch by the name of Eleanor Rigby.

Eleanor Rigby was a lonely woman. She lived in a house. Alone. With no one else. Some say she lived in a dream, some say she was crazy, some simply say she was a loner. She waited at the window, wearing the face she kept in a jar by the door. Did anybody ever stop and offer her a Prozak?

Well, she fell in love with a walrus named Francis Bakingham Woolingworth Edmond XXXVII. Francis enjoyed prancing around singing the My Little Pony theme song in his spare time. Francis's genetic material was a little bit out-of-whack, so he liked to buy shoes. He had very complex taste in shoes because he had large flippers. And a liver. Francis owned an organized shoe store. He was a master counterfeiter and reproduced dollar bills. His favorite pink tutu was a stimuli that got him up in the morning.

But, unfortunately, Francis did not return Eleanor's affections. Heartbroken, Eleanor gave up on life. She spent the rest of her days picking up rice in a church where weddings had been. She died in the church when she was maimed by a crazed demonic coconut. Her last word was, "DONUTS!"

Eleanor Rigby was buried by lonely old Father Mackenzie, who was very annoyed at having the darning of his socks interrupted. Nobody came to Eleanor's funeral, not even Francis, but when he learned of her death he was very shaken. He realized that he must do something with his life.

(Please note that at this point one Mr. Remus Lupin informs Sirius and James that they have misspelled the word "papper." Apparently, it should have only two P's instead of three. They pay no attention to this announcement, as James has just sat on a cornflake and Sirius is convinced it is a sign of the apocalypse. Besides, since when do they listen to what Remus says?)

Early one morning, Francis was sleeping when he was awoken by the sound of deafening rhythmic BANGS. Perplexed and annoyed, he opened his door and bellowed "WHAT THE HELL?" His question was quickly answered when he saw that there were three gay men playing bass drums, marching down his hall. The men were being followed by a team of ballet dancers who were screaming, "UH-HUH! THIS MY SHIT! ALL THE GIRLS STOMP YOUR FEET LIKE THIS!" Finding this slightly odd, Francis killed them all.

Now that he was awake, our friend Mr. Francis decided that he might as well get his day started. First he took a shower, because he was a very malodorous walrus, especially in the mornings. Not to mention he was covered in the gay men's blood. Next he decided to brush his hair. Don't ask how he could do this, as he has neither hair nor opposable thumbs. But soon he ran into a much larger problem: he had no hairbrush.

Now, this was even odder than those obnoxious musical intruders. He knew he had used his hairbrush only the day before. He wrapped himself in a towel and set out through his house in a fruitless search for his hairbrush. Feeling very anguished, Francis cried out:

"Oh, where is my hairbrush? Oh where is my hairbrush? Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where oh, where ... is my hairbrush?"

Having heard his cry, Father Mackenzie entered the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Francis in a towel, Father Mackenzie regained his composure and reported:

"I think I saw a hairbrush back there!"

Now very much heartened, Francis sang out with every fiber of his flabby being:

"Back there is my hairbrush. Back there is my hairbrush. Back there, back there, oh, where, back there, oh, where, oh, where, back there, back there, back there ... is my hairbrush?"

Having heard this joyous proclamation, Remus Lupin entered the scene, because he wanted to be included too. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Francis in a towel, he regained his composure and commented:

"Why do you need a hairbrush? You don't have any hair!"

Francis was taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him. No hair? What could this mean? What would become of him? What would become of his hairbrush? Francis wondered…

"No hair for my hairbrush. No hair for my hairbrush. No hair, no hair, no where, no hair, no hair, no hair, no where back there, no hair... for my hairbrush!"

Having had enough of Francis's song, a young and dashing man by the name of Sirius Black entered the scene and shot Francis. Multiple times. While laughing maniacally. Also, his best friend and partner in crime James Potter was there, because he is also writing this papper.

When the boys had left, Francis merely lay on the floor, reminiscing on his life in his final moments. And bleeding, that too. He remembered a time when he was quite young that had a major impact on his life. His inner monologue kicked in, and if you had been in the room, you would have heard an eerie voiceover, just like in the movies. I'll bet you didn't know that happens in real life, did you? I didn't think so. It's a simple spell, really, but can be a right pain in the ass if you don't know how to take it off: you end up broadcasting your innermost thoughts to the whole of the Great Hall.

_Mister Moony would like to express his astonishment that Mister Prongs has ever had an innermost thought._

_Mister Prongs would like to strangle Mister Moony for bewitching his parchment yet again – leave me alone, nosy!_

_Mister Moony wishes Mister Prongs and Mister Padfoot a good night and advises them to not turn in this rubbish if they want to pass the class._

_Mister Padfoot asks Mister Moony to shove it._

Anyway…

Aha. Yes. Francis's inner monologue…

_Ten days after I turned eight I got my lips stuck in a gate. My friends all laughed. And I just stood there until the fire department came and broke the lock with a crowbar and I had to spend the next six weeks in lip rehab with this kid named Oscar who got stung by a bee right on the lip and we couldn't even talk to each other until the fifth week because both our lips were so swollen and when he did start speaking he just spoke polish and I only knew like three words in Polish - except now I know four because Oscar taught me the word for lip. "_Usta_!"_

_Usta._ Now that's a fun word.

Anyway, in these final moments, Francis suddenly found inspiration. He knew what he must do: he must create a cure for lip ailments! Grabbing a nearby quill and parchment, he quickly wrote down his instructions. They were as follows:

**For lips cures to work properly, we must first attach leeches onto the surface of the pudding to extract the essentials: toothpaste, a broken can, a hammer, a megaphone, two twigs, ¼ cups oregano, the eyeball of an eyeless organism, and a pinwheel. By attaching them to the eagle by means of the equation hb(v-11/π2)-f-sequence-1turtle/11 we simply organize a field day. This is how lip cures are created.**

And then he died.

What is the moral of this story? Could it be that unrequited love is the most painful thing of all? That sometimes we have our best ideas in the most unlikely situations? That the reflections brought about by death can be the very catalyst that turns us in the right direction?

No, actually, none of those are right.

The true moral of the story is… and, this is of course a roundabout way of saying it. All Sirius and James are really trying to say here is…

THEY

HATE

SAUERKRAUT!

And by the way, if one day you wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked by the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, perhaps you can take small comfort in the story of Francis Bakingham Woolingworth Edmond XXXVII. Francis loves you. And other male walruses, but that's an entirely different sort of story.


	7. Death by Spider Bite

_Oh my..._

_has it really been that long since the last update?_

_Oh poo. I feel terrible._

_I'm dreadfully sorry we haven't updated in so long, and I'm sure if Rachel was hear she would say the same... I hope she won't mind me posting a few chapters without her..._

_Right then, moving right along..._

_Hopefully none of you have read my fic "The Fun in Dysfunction" (there's a rare sentence), because while our next spectacular co-written chapter is still in the works, I shall be dismantling it and posting bits as chapters... hope you don't mind..._

_So, without further ado or groveling, I present another installment of Marauderificality._

* * *

In the dead of a dank winter night, as the rest of the school slept, four boys were wide awake. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were slowly climbing down the stairs to the lobby of the Great Hall, impeded by the fact that there were all squeezed under the Invisibility Cloak. Not to mention that James and Sirius were rather tall, Peter was a bit on the round side, and all of their pockets were packed to bursting with things no doubt meant to cause mass chaos.

"Padfoot to Prongs, do you copy?" Sirius said softly, as if he was a spy talking to his partner on a radio.

"Prongs to Padfoot, I read you loud and clear, over."

"Padfoot to Prongs, your hair smells nice. What shampoo do you use? Over."

"Prongs to Padfoot, get your nose out of my hair, over."

"Would you two shut up before someone wakes up?" Remus said tiredly from behind Sirius.

"Padfoot to Moony, sorry Moony, I'm afraid I didn't understand that. You have to say 'over,' over."

Remus rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth twitched. "Moony to Padfoot, shut up before I shove you down these stairs, over."

"Copy that, over," said James.

"Oh, so you're conspiring against me!" Sirius said dramatically, halting abruptly so that Remus ran into his back, and Peter ran into Remus in turn. "I see how it is!"

"Moony to Padfoot, you didn't say 'over.' Now let's go before we get caught, over."

"Padfoot to Moony, eat my shorts, over."

Finally they reached bottom of the stairs, and Sirius set one foot on the floor before abruptly withdrawing it with a howl of pain. Remus stifled Sirius's yells by putting his hand over Sirius's mouth.

"_What are you doing_? You're going to wake up the whole bloody castle," said Remus. In Sirius's muffled shouting, only the words "spider" and "sodding" were distinguishable. "Sirius, if I remove my hand, will you stop yelling and _calmly_ tell us what happened?" Remus said slowly and patiently, like a preschool teacher disciplining a student. Sirius, his dark blue eyes wide, nodded.

"A spider! I stepped on a sodding spider! It _bit _me!" Sirius muttered as soon as Remus withdrew his hand.

"Well, spiders do tend to do that when stepped on."

"You know, when I die because of this, you're going to be very sorry for your cheek," Sirius said, glowering at Remus.

"You're not going to die!"

"Yes, I am!"

"No, you're not."

"You don't know that! You don't!"

"Let me see your foot and I'll show you. Why didn't you wear shoes in the first place?"

"My feet appreciate freedom, thank you! And no, you may not see my foot! Stay away!" Sirius said, holding his two index fingers in a cross to ward off evil.

"Just let me see it, I've read about spider bites."

"No! It hurts, don't touch it."

"I know it hurts, spider bites usually do."

"Again with the cheek! Ohhh, now I'm _definitely_ not letting you see my foot!"

"_Just let me see it!_"

Finally, after a few moments, Sirius obliged. He had to lean heavily on James in order to twist his foot back to where Remus could see it by his illuminated wand.

"It's not poisonous," Remus quickly concluded after examining the bite. "You'll live."

"I don't believe you!" Sirius moaned, dropping his foot back down to the floor.

"I don't care, just go, you probably woke someone up by now!"

"I'm dying! Have some sympathy!"

"Well, a lot of good your corpse will do us if we don't get down to the kitchens before you die," James said, taking a different angle. "Now, can we continue?"

Sirius nodded reluctantly and they set off again, moving towards the hall that led to the kitchens. Sirius was limping much more dramatically than necessary, holding onto the cloak and putting much of his weight on it.

"Prongs to Padfoot, get off my cloak before you rip it, over."

"Padfoot is unable to respond due to the fact that he is dying a slow and painful death by spider bite," Sirius said pitifully, though he released his grasp on the cloak. His friends merely rolled his eyes at him.

* * *

_What more can I say, loves?_

_Seemingly yours, _

_Kaci (aka ChocoTaco)_


	8. Disturbing Mental Pictures

_Hallo!_

_I send love to you, my wonderful readers. _

_This chapter is set at Hogwarts in the Marauders Era and features my original character, Keegan Bridges. And also, be warned, it's slightly more disturbing than most. Hehehe._

* * *

"Damn," Peter cursed in frustration, poking the pair of shoes he was supposed to be transfiguring into a parakeet fruitlessly with his wand. "Why won't it just _work?_"

"Need help, Wormtail?" Remus asked lightly. A small parakeet was perched on his index finger. James was trying to shake his bird out of his mop of hair, and Sirius kept letting his parakeet fly away all over the room before lazily summoning it back to him. Peter was the only one in the class who was having no success.

"No, I can handle it!" Peter insisted. He muttered the incantation again, and once more, nothing happened. "I think it's defective," he said of the pair of shoes lying matter-of-factly on the table before him.

"Maybe you're defective," Remus suggested passively.

"Your face is defective!" Sirius said to no one in particular.

"Your mum is defective!" James said to Sirius.

"Actually, that's quite accurate," Sirius grinned.

"Well, obviously, she had you didn't she?" James joked. Sirius stuck his tongue out.

Suddenly, a resounding **BANG** issued from Peter's general direction. Sirius bellowed something profane at the top of his voice before toppling off of his chair. The startled class looked around, only to find that Peter had actually managed to turn himself into an oversized parakeet.

"Pettigrew, not _again_!" Professor McGonagall yelled, crossing the room swiftly and drawing her wand. "When will you learn, boy, to _focus your powers_?"

"Peter has powers?" Sirius teased from the floor, pretending to be shocked. "No bloody way!"

The gigantic parakeet gave a squawk of indignation.

"Five points from Gryffindor for your mouth, Black!" McGonagall declared before returning Peter to his original form.

As soon as the class was over, and Peter had been assigned extra homework, everyone bolted out of the room. Not only was this the last class of the week, but the Halloween feast was waiting for them in the Great Hall. James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily, and Keegan made their way cheerfully down the corridor to the feast.

"That was quite possibly Wormtail's worst incident yet," Sirius remarked as they walked.

"I dunno…" countered James, "there was that time in our first year when he ate so many Chocolate Frogs on the Hogwarts Express that he projectile vomited all over the compartment."

"Thanks for that mental picture," Keegan said sarcastically, a look of disgust on her face. "Just what we need before dinner."

"Any time."

"Oh yeah!" said Sirius, suddenly remembering with a laugh. "And Madam Pomfrey had to cart him off to the hospital wing before he even got sorted!"

"Okay, that's enough," Peter muttered, turning red in the face.

"Or the time that he sleepwalked out of our dorm last year and woke up in bed with some seventh year boy in nothing but his knickers!" Sirius reminisced fondly. Everyone but Peter laughed.

"Stop, I'm serious!" Peter said, then immediately regretted it because he had said the forbidden word.

"WRONG!" Sirius bellowed. "I'm Sirius, you're Peter!" and with that he began to laugh so loudly that two first year boys lurking at the end of the hall scampered in alarm. Every time anyone said the word "serious" around Sirius, he _had _to use the same old joke, and then he laughed his arse off at himself for about a year.

"Dear God, Peter, now you've done it," Lily moaned as Sirius's peals of laughter gradually subsided to a low chuckle.

"Oh, it's all Peter's fault!" Peter whined.

"Pretty much, yeah," James concluded.

"Don't refer to yourself in the third person," Remus said, "it's creepy."

"Sirius refers to himself in the third person all the time!" Sirius said.

"I rest my case."

"OH!" James yelled, startling all of them. "You know what I just remembered? One time in third year, I walked into the dorm room and –"

"NO!" Peter screamed, grabbing James. "Don't!"

" – and Peter was in there – "

"You swore to secrecy!" Peter practically shrieked, hopping up and down and yanking on James's arm. "You SWORE!"

" - by himself – "

"DON'T!"

" – dancing stark naked in front of the mirror!"

There was a pause.

Silence fell over the group for a moment.

And then –

"AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!" Sirius, Remus, Lily, and Keegan shouted in unison.

"JAMES!" Peter yelled, now redder than two short red things.

"Disturbing mental pictures! Disturbing mental pictures!" Keegan muttered to herself, pacing around in circles and wringing her hands. "Find a happy place! Find a happy place!"

"Oh my GOD!" Lily screamed, clutching Keegan's arm for support, which only proceeded to throw off what little balance Keegan possessed and send them both tumbling to the floor.

"I am going to me scarred for _life_," Remus stated miserably, rubbing his temples, "and when I am, you two are paying for my therapy!" He closed his eyes and began to beat his head repeated against a nearby wall.

"My poor sensitive mind!" Sirius moaned, covering his eyes.

"Your mind may be poor," Remus said, momentarily turning away from the wall, "but I sincerely doubt it is sensitive."

"Thanks Moony, way to make me feel better."

"Are you okay?" James asked Lily as he helped her up off of the floor.

"I'm…" but she found her mind going blank as her took her hand to help her to her feet. She managed an indistinguishable murmur that sounded like "Flurglesnorbit…" before she regained her composure, removed her hand swiftly from his grasp, and said "I'm fine!" while giving him her usual Yes-you're-hot-but-I'm-not-going-to-give-you-the-satisfaction-of-me-acknowledging-it-now-sod-off-before-I-do-something-I'll-regret-such-as-like-you Look.

"Oh, don't bother to help me up…" Keegan said, standing up.

"I'm going to _kill_ you!" Peter threatened James.

"Oh, what, are you going to molt on me, Parakeet Boy?" James responded coolly.

"You just wait," Peter continued, though he seemed slightly less upset, "Mark my words, one day I'm going to find out some secret about you, and all hell will break loose!"

"Sure you will, Peter," James said, sounding like an impatient mother talking to a very uncompromising toddler. "And one day I will give up Quidditch, Sirius will no longer enjoy looking in the mirror, and Remus will be seduced by a girl with pink hair." (A/N: hehehe…)

"I'll _what_?" Remus asked.

"I don't know, it just popped in my head. Don't ask me to fathom the way my mind works."

* * *

_Next chapter? Think chocolate, Sirius on a sugar high, shirtless Remus, and one very strange situation for two girls to walk in on._

_Fictionally yours,_

_Kaci (aka ChocoTaco)_


	9. Don't Wake Moony

_I must say, this is definitely one of my favorite pieces of work Marauder-wise, yes it is. And if you're still reading this, let it be known that I adore you._

_And so on._

_So, let the Marauderificality commence._

* * *

It was early morning. Well, not necessarily "early morning." In fact, it was nearly ten. But it was quite early indeed for Remus Lupin, sleeping soundly in his four poster bed with the blankets pulled up over his head to block out the sunlight that was streaming in through the window. He was alone in the room, his friends having gone off to breakfast.

Except for one.

Peter, who happened to know that Remus enjoyed sleeping in on Saturdays, had chosen to take advantage of this opportunity to do what he'd been wanting to do ever since he had found out where Remus kept his stash of chocolate the week before. He crept silently into the room, edging the door open to the room. Excellent. Remus was still fast asleep. Peter moved slowly but surely toward Remus's closet, pulling out his wand as he went. He also knew that Remus kept his treasured stash under lock and key.

"_Alohomora!" _he whispered. The lock to the closet gave a loud click, and Peter looked behind him quickly to check if Remus had woken up. He hadn't.

He eased the door opened and winced when it creaked loudly, but his friend still did not stir. He stepped into the closet, closed the door silently behind him, and whispered "_Lumos!_" He looked down, and his eyes fell upon a canvas bag in the corner illuminated by the light from his wand. His watery little eyes bulged excitedly as he tipped the bag over and a large amount of assorted chocolates cascaded out. Once he had locked the door behind him, he sat down on the floor, greedily snatched up some of the chocolate, and smiled to himself with pride before digging in.

Little did he know that James had just entered the room. He looked over and saw Remus still snoozing away and smiled slightly to himself. At least one of his friends wasn't behaving like a raving lunatic. Sirius had eaten the entire contents of the sugar bowl this morning at breakfast and was on one of his craziest sugar highs yet. When James had left him in the common room he was bounding around the room, upsetting furniture and frightening the younger students away. They would be heading down for the trip to Hogsmeade in about thirty minutes, so he cast his eyes around for something in the room to occupy his time. Settling on polishing his broomstick, he removed the broomstick from his closet, his polish from his dresser, and a rag from under the bed and set to work. He had barely begun when he heard familiar footsteps pounding up the spiral staircase towards their room. Knowing what – or rather, who – was going to happen, he quickly made to slide his broomstick under the bed, but it was too late.

"HEEEEEEEEERE'S PADFOOT!" Sirius yelled gleefully as he flung the door open and it ricocheted off of the wall with a bang. Inside the closet, Peter gave a startled jump, dropping his wand and nearly choking on his mouth full of chocolate. "Hiya Jamsie! Where's – oh!" he exclaimed as he saw Remus's tired form curled up beneath his bedspread. "Is Moony taking a little nap?"

Without warning, he leapt onto Remus's bed, bouncing around and yelling. "WAKEY-WAKEY!"

James braced himself, awaiting the worst; it was _never_ a good idea to wake up Remus. Sure enough, a strangled sort of yell emitted from the bundle of blankets, and the next moment the bedding was being thrown off of the bed and strewn across the floor and they were both tumbling off of the bed. Remus, clad in nothing but a pair of plaid boxers was pinning Sirius to the floor.

"Why, Remy," Sirius said, grinning broadly despite the fact that a half-awake and half-dressed werewolf had just tackled him and was looking at him as if he would very much like to tear him limb from limb, "your chest is quite smooth. Tell me, do you wax?"

Before Sirius could inquire any further on the state of Remus's chest hair, or lack-there-of, Remus had seized a nearby pillow that had fallen off the bed during the tussle and began trying to smother Sirius with it. James had gotten up and was about break up the scuffle when Sirius twisted out from under Remus and ran off across the room, laughing triumphantly. He jumped up on his own bed and bounced over to James's, hopping up and down on the mattress.

"Who the _hell _gave Sirius sugar?" Remus demanded angrily, getting to his feet.

"Only all the girls in Hufflepuff!" Sirius said, bouncing up and down as he spoke.

"Not that kind of sugar!"

"I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen!" James said. "He's a madman, I tell you! A MADMAN!"

Meanwhile, in Remus's closet, Peter was crawling around, feeling blindly around for his wand. It must have rolled under something, because he could no longer see the light emitting from it.

"Get down," Remus told Sirius, "before you-"

Just then, Sirius spun around in the air, one of his legs knocking over James's broom and a nearby pitcher of water, which hit the floor and shattered.

"-break something."

"MY BROOM!" James shouted, running over to protect it from further abuse. Unfortunately, he slipped in the puddle of water from the pitcher and the corner of the bed collided painfully with his groin area. "ARRRRRGH!" James doubled over, his hands on the front of his pants.

Shortly after that, many things occurred in very quick succession: Remus stepped forward toward James, but he lost his footing on one of his sheets that was lying across the floor and landed on his back. Peter finally found his wand and unlocked the closet door, which he happened to be leaning on, and soon found himself sprawled on the floor. Sirius gave a remarkably high jump and the back of his shirt caught on one of the bedposts. The door was flung open once more.

"It's almost time for – _what the hell!_"

Lily and Keegan were standing at the door, looking quite astonished. This was reasonable, as the sight before them was not what most would consider ordinary: Peter with chocolate all over his face laying half on the floor and half in Remus's closet, Remus in his boxers lying on the floor, Sirius dangling by his shirt by a bedpost, and James clutching his crotch.

"Is this some kind of bizarre orgy? Because if so, I'm not interested," Lily said with a disturbed expression.

"Hellooo ladies!" Sirius called, waving his arms around and causing shirt to rip. He fell out of it and landed on the floor in a heap.

"Lily!" James said, straightening up abruptly. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, we came to tell you it's almost time to head to Hogsmeade, but obviously you're too busy… er… what exactly are you doing?"

"Oh, erm," James began awkwardly, "funny story, that, actually. You see… uh, Sirius was on a sugar high, and he woke up Remus…" he spoke the rest in one breath, as though he wanted to clear up this situation as quickly as possible. "And then the smothering and the jumping and Peter came out of the closet and – oh, bollocks, wait, that sounded – "

Remus, Sirius, and James sniggered while Peter turned scarlet.

"I KNEW IT!" Keegan yelled, hopping on the spot victoriously. "Ha, pay up!"

Lily grimaced, pulled a galleon out of her pocket, and placed it in Keegan's outstretched hand. "You win."

"_You were betting that I was gay_?" Peter questioned furiously.

"Ah, so you don't deny it then!" Sirius shouted.

"I AM NOT GAY!" Peter screamed indignantly.

"Oh, sure, then what were you doing in Remus's closet?" Sirius smirked. "Sniffing his drawers? I always suspected you had a thing for him!"

"Aww, Wormtail has a little crush, how cute!" James cut in.

"I DO NOT!" Peter yelled. "I'll have you know I was eating his chocolate!"

"Oh, is that what they call it these days?" James said.

"YOU WERE EATING MY CHOCOLATE?"

And for the second time that morning someone was being tackled by Remus.

* * *

_The next chapter shall be a continuation of this one, I believe. Yes, yes it shall._

_And now I must away._

_Fare thee well,_

_Kaci (aka ChocoTaco)_


	10. Trouble with Names & Homicidal Footwear

_This is another one of my favorites, hopefully you'll enjoy it as well._

_I am afraid I have nothing else to add..._

_My randomosity seems quite diminished without Rachel here, does it not?_

_Oddity._

_So anyway... read on, my loves!_

* * *

Once Sirius had put on a shirt that wasn't ripped and Remus had gotten dressed, they finally made it down to Hogsmeade. Their first stop was Zonko's where they browsed for items that may assist them in wreaking havoc in the school.

"Ooh, this is neat," said Keegan, having found bright purple fan adorned with fluffy red feathers. She fanned herself with it dramatically, batting her eyelashes in mock flirtation.

"Keegan?" Lily asked with raised eyebrows.

"Yes, _dahling_?" she responded, suddenly sounding like a movie star from the 1920's.

"You look like an idiot."

"I love you too."

"Yeah, but how d'you reckon we'd get them into Snivelly's shoes?" James was saying. He, Sirius, and Peter were gathered around a table with a sign reading **FOOTWEAR**. James was examining a pair of Self-Tangling Shoelaces and Sirius was showing him a package of Odor-Causing Inserts.

"True…" Sirius said, looking slightly deflated. "Hey, what about these?" He had picked up a pair of Ever-Shrinking-Sneakers. "We could – we could transfigure them to look like his shoes, then sneak into the Slytherin dorms, and swap them out while he's sleeping!" his face lit up with a mischievous smirk and an evil glint in his eyes. "And while we're in there, we can booby-trap the common room! Dungbombs, farting charms on the chairs, the whole nine yards!"

"Yes," Remus said, looking up from a thick book he was thumbing through, "and how do you plan to get into the Slytherin dorms?"

"Please!" James scoffed.

"Honestly!" Sirius said, looking indignant.

"You've known us – how long, Moony?" James asked, not expecting an answer.

"Six years!" Sirius put in.

"Six years!"

"Six!"

"By now you should know, Sirius and I possess powers mere mortals have only dreamed of!"

"Well put, Prongs!"

"We are masterminds!"

"Masterminds!"

"Geniuses!"

"Geniuses!"

"Oh, you're geniuses?" Remus said with a smirk. "That's why you're letting Instant Athlete's Foot Powder spill all over your shoes?"

"That's exactly why we're – _what?_"

Sirius and James looked down. It seemed that Sirius had upset a bottle of the stuff in his excitement, and it was pouring steadily over their shoes, seeping in through the shoelace holes and openings.

"DAMMIT!" James swore as he and Sirius broke into a frenzied sort of jig to try and shake the powder off of their shoes amid the laughter of their friends.

No sooner had James and Sirius stopped hopping madly around than a scream resounded from behind them. They turned around in time to see that Keegan's feathered fan was attacking her face, her hands waving helplessly as she tipped over backwards and brought down an entire shelf of Nose-Biting Teacups. The teacups, in turn, began latching onto her body, nibbling on her shirt and pants, nipping at her skin, and pulling on her hair.

"GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"

The others rushed over as she frantically tried to knock the teacups off of her. In the end it took the combined efforts of all six of them to finally get the fan and the teacups off of Keegan and restore things to their rightful order.

"Remind me to never touch anything in Zonko's again," Keegan said as she finally got to her feet and deposited the fan back in its case, which she now noticed bore a sign that read **PERSIAN ATTACKING FANS**.

Once they had made their purchases they set off up the street to Honeydukes, Remus staggering under the weight of a very large book he had bought.

"Only you, Moony, would buy a _book _at Zonko's," James remarked.

"I've got a feeling it'll come in handy," Remus responded with a slightly twisted smile, showing them the cover. The lengthy title was printed in prominent gold lettering.

"_A Million and One Charms and Jinxes for Making Mischief and Causing Chaos_," Sirius read aloud. "That rolls off the tongue."

"And so does Sirius Camelopardalis Lacerta Horologium Monoceros Black."

"Hey," Sirius said warningly as he opened the door to Honeydukes. "We agreed not to discuss the middle names."

* * *

_That is all, then, I suppose._

_Until elsewhere,_

_Kaci (aka ChocoTaco)_


End file.
